you can choose to blame your circumstances on fate, or bad luck, or bad choices. or you can fight back. things aren't always gunna be fair in the real world, that's just the way it is. but for the most part, you get what you give. let me ask you all a question, what's worse? not getting everything you wished for or getting it, but finding it's not enough? the rest of your life is being shaped right now, with the dreams you chase, the choices you make, & the person you decide to be. the rest of your life is a long time, & the rest of your life starts right now. ( one tree hill )
its so much easier to write when your in love..all these emotions running around just waiting to spill out..i miss it to be honest.. i haven't written like that in over a year at least..i took those sacred moment for granted when i could take a pen and paper and fill pages with things that would take my breathe away after reading it back aloud.. i need a muse...
somethings just aren't ment to be no matter how hard you try. and i think thats what hurts the most. knowing whatever you do its never going to be enough to make it yours and to make it right.
life goes on but the pain never ends you just have to learn how to deal. how to deal with all the drama and bullshit. its what will make you stronger in the long run but weak none the less in the process to become stronger.
nothing means more than what we have in that very moment that makes our heart smile. even if in turn in the end it breaks out hearts its for those few moments it did bring such joy that you have to remember
...and
here's to hope and knowing that the easy way out is never the right way
because to abandon hope it to abandon life and i'm not willing to give
up on life yet...
Hope never abandons you, you abandon it. ~George Weinberg
so i have been talking it over with my mom and doing some thinking over
the last couple weeks and i'm thinking that i might want to go back to
school for cosmetology. i'm not sure yet though and before i do it i
wanna make sure it's something i really wanna do and not something i'm
just tryin to do so i will have a real job with pay. anyways either
monday or tuesday carly and i are riding down to raleigh. she has some
stuff she needs to take care of down there and she can't drive being
that insurance was being an ass lapse back in march never told her so
she could pay the difference and be done with it and instead now has to
go a couple months with no tag. pretty freakin lame if you ask me. i
offered because to give her a ride because i'm off and we haven' t
really hung out since i have gotten back.it'll also be good because i
know that carly just graduated from cosmetology school so i'm thinking
that this trip might be a really good chance to ask her some stuff
about it and all. i haven't really told anyone about me maybe going
back to school for cosmetology because i'm not sure yet if it's just a
thought im kind of excited about or just more excited about the idea of
something. i don't know. i've looked into it some on the internet and
i'm going to ask carly and then when i have finally made up my mind my
mom and i are going to talk to my aunt and figure out what is gunna
happen with the living situation since i wont be able to work often and
im working at minimum wage at the movie theater at the moment and will
need that money for as many bills as possible and what needs to happen
go down or change. i'm really worried and stressed about the whole
living situation here and money flow for when i go back to college. my
mom said that she will help me if its what i really what and i'm
thinking it just might be. i just know that watching the kids for my
aunt covers rent and meals. if i'm in school i can't watch the kids and
before hand she said that if i didn't want to watch the kids thats fine
i can still stay and she'd charge me rent prolly around if not $300 a
month. which isn't bad for prices as they stand around here. but i
still don't think i could make enough a month to pay that 300 then the
cell phone and car payments and insurance. i am soo stressed out and
worried. i want to go back to college cuz i refuse to be one of those
statistics of people who drop out of college saying they will go back
but never do. i don't want to let that b me but at the same time i
don't know if i can money wise because the economy is such in a whack i
cant afford shit. doesn't help that the baby is really starting to
suffer from separation anxiety since he got attached to my aunt the
week while i was on vacation. so our time together has involved him
screaming and cryingall the time for no reason with no avail to stop
and nothing appeases him. so please keep me in your prayers if not to
help me find a way to pay for everything then for at least a way to
help with the stress and everything. i'm glad that this sunday i dont
work morning late afternoon shift because i would really like to try
the church that i visited back when my gma was in town with me before
she had to go to ICU for her heart. so please pray for that for me as
well for my grandmother because while they drained the liter of fluid
from her heart and got rid of the blood clots on the testing in her arm
caused they still can't figure out that horrible cough that she has had
since laugh april. some people would say no news is good news but in
this case not so much for me because one of the things i remember most
before my great-grandmother right before she died a couple years ago
was that horrible hacking and coughing for no reason. that's what
scares me the most is it reminds me of my great-grandmothers death and
it makes me think my grandmother's time may be soon up. i know that God
has a plan forever one but it doesn't mean that it scares me any less
of loosing her when i have suuuuuch more fond memories of her since
there is such a rift between people in my family. i'm just no coming to
realize just how much she has done for me in the past and while she
gets on my nerves so often trying to be in control of everything i feel
like im realizing everything way too late and never have had enough
time to appreciate her. i want to spend time with her and be happy with
all we do have left whether her last day is tomorrow or in 20 years but
i feel its hard when i work 2 jobs i cant get away from and she is back
to traveling to tennessee to visit the mountains and back and forth
from hampton, virginia to see her sister. i can't tell my grandmother
how i feel because she never lets us know that anything is really as
bad as it is and i know she will feel horrid that the whole situation
has upset me so and i don't want to upset her further. so please pray
for me and help me to cope better with being scared of the inevitable
and be able to cherish the moments left to come.
